Publish date: 18 May 2024
Przeczytasz w 9 min
Couples facing fertility disorders can discover the profound gift of parenthood through in IVF with donor eggs or sperm. Although their long-awaited child has come into the world, parents are faced with new challenges. One of the most difficult moments may arise when the child asks about their origins.
How should this be explained – or should it be at all? We sought the expertise of one of our specialists, psychologist Maria Szecówka-Nowak from the INVICTA Clinic in Wrocław, to answer this complex question.
[MSN] The decision-making process regarding the use of reproductive cells or embryos is often preceded by lengthy attempts to conceive – initially through natural means, and when those do not yield the desired result, couples move onto the path of diagnostics and medical interventions – from pharmacotherapy to procedures and advanced methods to assist conception.
Women and men face various challenges and try to cope with successive cycles of building hope and experiencing losses. From the experiences of many couples, these are often the most difficult experiences they have faced in their lives so far. Nonetheless, couples, along with their doctors, decide to continue treatment, such as another attempt at an in vitro program. However, there are also those for whom the only (based on diagnostic research) solution offered by medicine is the use of reproductive cells or embryo adoption.
The role of the psychologist, therefore, includes providing support and psychoeducation, which are related to the context of the experiences that the couple has gone through in their infertility treatment journey, the current situation, and the context of future (anticipated by the couple) challenges associated with potential participation in a donation program.
Psychoeducational interventions in the context of infertility can involve providing or deepening knowledge about the psychological reactions (cognitive and emotional) that may accompany individuals going through various stages of treatment, as well as coping strategies for difficult situations. Psychoeducation also provides an opportunity to increase awareness of one’s own psychological processes, behaviors, and resources, and enables greater effectiveness in coping with the various challenges associated with infertility.
Often, it takes time, discussions, and considering various perspectives for a couple to make a decision with which both feel comfortable, where they can be honest with themselves.
Therefore, it is important that in the decision-making process regarding the use of reproductive cells or embryos, the couple also considers informing the child about how they came into the world. It is also important for prospective parents to become aware of various concerns and for these concerns to be addressed.
“Will the child still love me if they find out about their history?”
“Will they reject me and want to find the donor?”
“What if others find out and the child, as well as ourselves, experience unpleasant situations?”
Unresolved dilemmas in the future may result in the child being left to cope with what the parents couldn’t handle in their history. The more multifaceted and mature the decision-making process, the greater the chance of building an adequate sense of self-worth, self-assurance, and pride in becoming a parent. This will also have a beneficial effect on the child.
In the decision-making process, both prospective parents should be primarily involved. Additionally, the couple may benefit from the knowledge and experience of specialists when they need to expand their information in areas such as medicine, genetics, embryology, and psychology.
It is important for prospective parents to go through this process together because the decision they make will have long-term and multifaceted consequences for their family.
The more peace, security, and trust the child feels in the relationship with the parent, the less likely emotional burdens are for the child.
In older children (e.g., teenagers), it is more likely that they will experience difficult and intense emotions such as anger that they were not informed earlier, resentment that they are not genetically related to the beloved parent, identity anxiety, sadness that their story will be somewhat incomplete because donation is anonymous.
Therefore, when talking to an older child, it’s important to prepare to create a safe and accepting space for them to express what is difficult for them. The child may need time and support to gradually integrate new information with everything they already know about themselves and their family and to accept it.
Certainly, curiosity and even a desire to meet the donor can arise. Often behind this is the need to supplement their own story in the process of building their own identity. It’s important to refer to facts in such a situation. The inability of recipients and their child to obtain detailed information about the donor (and vice versa) is due to the existing legal provisions.
These provisions require clinics to ensure anonymity for both parties. One can refer to general information that donors are individuals who want to help others. They often participate in various donation programs such as blood, marrow, or sharing reproductive cells with couples experiencing various obstacles on their journey to parenthood. Thanks to the help of these people, new life could be created.
Yes, it is an important conversation because it involves family history encompassing very significant facts that have far-reaching consequences. If this conversation or information-sharing process does not occur, it does not mean that the topic ceases to exist. Taboos are built, and what is left unsaid generates burdensome tension within the family.
The child, not knowing the source of this tension, has a more difficult time dealing with it. Providing information confirms that the parents once made a mature decision they are not ashamed of, and that in this family, building relationships based on honesty and trust is important, and that the child is a separate individual entitled to know their own history.
If you are currently experiencing a similar situation accompanied by difficult emotions, I encourage you to consult with a specialist. You are welcome to visit INVICTA Clinics – not only in Wrocław but also in other branches, where you can receive help and support from a psychologist.
