Publish date: 12 April 2024
Przeczytasz w 10 min
Women who share their experiences related to the process of adopting a donor egg often describe the emotions and feelings that accompanied them at various stages, including during pregnancy. These emotions can be both positive and challenging, such as joy, uncertainty, sadness, or fear.
They may ask themselves questions like: Will I truly be a mother? Will I love this child even though they don’t share my genes? Will they love me? Such emotions accompanying a prospective mother are natural. How to deal with these doubts? These and other questions are addressed by Maria Szecówka-Nowak, MSc, a psychologist from the INVICTA Clinic in Wroclaw.
[mgr Maria Szecówka-Nowak] In the process of couples deciding to use reproductive cells or adopt embryos, various concerns arise. Doubts are not uncommon, such as “Will I love a child conceived from my husband’s sperm and another woman’s egg?”, “Will I perceive myself as a full-fledged mother?”, “Will I be as good a mother to this child as if it were conceived from my own egg?“, “Will the child reject me, claiming I’m not its real mother?”, “If I have all these doubts, does it mean I shouldn’t be a recipient?”
On the other hand, men may have concerns like “Will I love the child even though I’ll never see any resemblance to my wife, with whom I so desperately wanted to have children?”
Various question marks and concerns accompany women, men, and couples deciding to participate in an egg donation program or embryo adoption. As with any decision, there is no one-size-fits-all solution that is best for every person or couple, and the same goes for the donation program.
It is definitely worth considering the decision from different perspectives, expressing any doubts, fears – individually, as a couple, in conversations with specialists. It is very important for the decision to be carefully considered so that you can consciously, in harmony with yourself, enter a new role and become a parent with a sense of confidence.
In psychology, a bond is understood as a type of social relationship. It is a specific type of social relationship called an attachment relationship. This is the first relationship in a child’s life, which the child forms with the caregiver, the person who is most present and interacts most frequently with the child. Typically, the role of the attachment figure is filled by the child’s mother.
Research shows that this first relationship has far-reaching effects. Studies indicate, among other things, that the attachment style that develops between the mother (attachment figure) and the child serves as a kind of template for the child’s future relationships with other people in subsequent stages of life (including adulthood).
The attachment style is determined by cognitive, emotional, and behavioral components. Therefore, the mere fact of a lack of genetic connection between the mother and the child or the presence of medically assisted conception does not influence the bond between the mother and the child. However, if the mother, for example, does not accept the lack of genetic connection with the child, it may become a significant variable affecting the quality of the bond.
It can be said that the development of the bond is primarily influenced by whether the mother is psychologically and physically available to the child, and how she interacts with the child, rather than whether she is genetically related to it.
Therefore, crucial in building the attachment relationship is the so-called mother’s responsiveness. Responsiveness is understood as the mother’s involvement in: receiving signals from the child (e.g., crying), interpreting their meaning, and responding in a way that alleviates discomfort, removes the source of distress, and meets the child’s needs.
At each stage (from deciding on gamete donation, through pregnancy, to childbirth), various reflections, feelings, and needs may arise. This world of internal experiences is highly individualized, and there is no universal recipe that will work for everyone.
It is worth emphasizing that the emergence of concerns and doubts does not mean that “If I have doubts, I am not fit to be a mother” or “I have concerns – something is wrong with me.” Doubts may indicate, for example, a high level of concern and a desire to take the best care of the future child.
In this new situation, amid many changes and challenges, it is important to strengthen a woman’s awareness that she is not alone in this situation, that she most likely has adequate support in her environment, or that she can seek psychological support – even more available nowadays (also online).
For many people, it can also be helpful to “step out” of their perspective and imagine the situation from the perspective of the child to be born. So, being first in the womb and then coming into the world, the child still has only one mother all the time. A mother who is with it from the beginning, who surrounds it with care, tenderness, and gives it a sense of security. The child is open to building this unique relationship – an attachment relationship – with her. It has no doubts.
Pregnancy can be characterized from a medical perspective as a physiological state in which a woman undergoes dynamic changes in her body as well as in the body of the developing fetus for a certain number of weeks. From a psychological perspective, pregnancy can be seen as an experience in which a woman engages cognitively and emotionally.
The awareness that a child is growing in her womb, feeling its movements, hearing the sound of the baby’s heartbeat during check-ups, seeing the baby on ultrasound images, and many other aspects often lead to increasing emotional involvement and care from the mother’s side. Gradually, the beginnings of a bond are formed.
After childbirth, regardless of whether the pregnancy was natural, through in vitro fertilization, or with the use of donor eggs, and regardless of whether the delivery was natural or via cesarean section, women may experience a wide range of emotions and feelings. Some women may feel love at first sight upon seeing their child, while others may initially feel anxiety about how they will cope.
For many women, when negative emotions, worries, and stress arise after childbirth, it is helpful to give themselves permission to not have all the answers right away, to not be immediately proficient in interpreting the needs of the child, soothing them, feeding, etc. Mother and child have plenty of time to get to know each other, to learn about each other, and to build their relationship.
In summary, during the beautiful and important, yet often challenging journey accompanying the process of egg donation, it is important to recognize the crucial role that psychological support can play. Therefore, we encourage all couples struggling with fear, stress, or doubts to take advantage of the services of a psychologist at the INVICTA Clinic. Through this collaboration, it is often possible not only to express and understand all concerns but also to jointly build strong emotional foundations in further pursuit of the dream of starting a family.
